Ask a Linguist - Column

Welcome to my advice column! When I'm out on the town, people ask me questions about my background, which inevitably leads to more personal questions about languages. I love giving tips, and even if I don't know have the answer immediately, I CAN FIND IT! Here is a collection of thought-provoking questions people have asked me at parties, offices, and on the street. If you have your own burning question, send it to info@postcardlanguage.com and I will publish my response here.

September 24, 2009

This is my best letter-to-the-editor yet. This reader is reacting directly to posts on my homepage. I will respond to each section in italics, in the style of an interview.

I lol'd at the Klingon-Esperanto flick. Can I stay?

Yes

Also, Nāwatl is not dead, and, oh, also, is the shit. I actually got all into it 'cause I started talking to this guy who speaks Guerrero Mexicano and it seems like it's doing pretty alright... Not taking over la República Mexicana anytime soon, but not withering from attrition, either.

Good

Although I suppose it's only a matter of fucking time.

Yes

Also, Yale is the FUCKING SHIT! I use Yale Mandarin whenever possible to be an asshole, because, hey, I speak American English + it makes perfect sense to me, so fuck you. But it also makes sense to most English speaker + fuck the PRC. Unfortunately, though, I think you're wrong about Cantonese, yuhtping seems to pretty much be running shit on teh internets, in no small part due to institutional (LSHK) support.

You're probably right . My area of expertise is Beijing-style Hanyu Pinyin. I know almost nothing about Cantonese or Hong Kong spelling conventions. Also, way to erase 60 years of progress by reverting to Yale Mandarin, you luddite, reactionary S.O.B.

March 23, 2009

"Dear Postcard,

Is there a polite way to tell a co-worker that he sounds like a complete dumbass whenever he uses the word 'irregardless'? He thinks it sounds impressive I guess, but the unnecessary syllable just irks me...hell, even Spellcheck keeps trying to correct this e-mail. Keep up the good work, I enjoy the humor and the information."

-Cubicle Clown

People who say 'irregardless' are 'irretarded'.

According to the internet, some hillbillies in Northern Appalachia invented that word about 130 years ago. No, there is no polite way to tell your co-worker he is abusing the English language. Besides, you're not looking for polite, you want a cruel laugh at his expense. He deserves it. Once someone drops the i-bomb, we all enter the ninth circle of language hell, and there's no easy way out. Luckily, Postcard is your road to salvation, and I'm happy to lay a few options out on the table. You can...

1. Hire a private investigator to dig up some dirt on the guy, then blackmail him into silence.

2. Slip him a roofie in his coffee. Once he is unconscious, staple his tongue to his lower palate. If he wakes up and tries to say the word, he will only manage something like "Euh-ruhh-ghehhh".

3. Every time he says the word, keep a secret tally running. Make notches in your desk, on a wall-calendar, spreadsheet and graphs with powerpoint, etc. Even better if the whole office is in on it, too. Once he hits a milestone, like the 100th time saying it, throw a party at the office. Get balloons, streamers, air-horns, and a horrendous cake with "irregardless" written on it. The trauma of public humiliation will set him straight permanently.

* Legal Disclaimer: By following these instructions, you agree to waive any liability on the part of Postcard, in the event that the plan backfires, the whole office thinks it's a funny game, and everyone starts saying it constantly as a joke.

March 16, 2009

"Dear Postcard,
I've always been shy about using the word "banal" in conversation. There doesn't seem to be any consensus about how to pronounce it. Some say it rhymes with "canal" or "panel"; others say it's more like "anal". What do you think? Should I just avoid the word altogether?"

-Alonso M.

This question was an absolute stumper. After scratching my head for several moments, I called on the sage wisdom of my highly-esteemed fellow linguist, M. Pericles Grimshaw. A prolific scholar of modern and ancient languages, Pericles had no trouble discerning the essence of the world "banal", and I was fortunate to have his permission in publishing his response, which follows:

"That word always reminds me of an old bossa nova tune. The only times I've heard it in English, I spent the next several seconds thinking, 'Wow, did he just say that?' and 'I love bossa nova.' And, I would say ~ 'Panel' if I felt the need."

Feb 14, 2009

"You've spent a lot of time in intensive language classes in other countries. I'm traveling to Costa Rica soon, and signing up for a week-long Spanish course there. What do you think?"

- A.

I think you should do it. You have my blessing.

February 4, 2009

"Hey Postcard. Here is a question for your site: What language can I learn to sound most impressive to the opposite sex?"

- C. A.

    Great question., C.A. . To begin with, most Americans only speak one language, so speaking any second language is impressive to another American. In many other countries, you will need to speak about four in order to really get someone's attention. Still, even for Americans, there are many ways to answer this question.
    Does the person you are approaching speak another language natively? If so, it is always attractive to show them you care about their culture by speaking their home language. They will be able to trust you more easily, because you've shown some cultural acceptance.
    In all other cases, though, I think the most impressive language to learn in 2009 is Mandarin Chinese. Mandarin is universally recognized as difficult for English speakers, so a person who has made a real attempt to learn has proven their ambition and intellect.
    But is it sexy? An American who has studied enough Chinese to actually speak it is probably pale from locking themselves in dimly lit rooms with character dictionaries and tone tapes. This website is for hardcore linguists and amateurs alike, and the amateurs are certainly looking for a quick fix so they have time left over to lay out and get a tan. The solution: French. French still sounds romantic and sophisticated to most Americans, even though it's easy as shit to learn. Plus, since most people only learned Spanish in school (and failed at it), French still feels new to them. Your secret weapon, is that if you open up a French magazine, you will already recognize half of the words on the page. A thousand years ago, the French invaded England and dumped lots of words into English that we still use today. Thus, you already speak a lot of it and don't even realize it. Exploit that edge.

Need advice from the linguist? Email info@postcardlanguage.com today.


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	About Us Videos Quiz List Advice Column Confessions Urban Legends Keyword: Krazy Majors Worldview Gift Shop Services Beta Lab Contact	Ask a Linguist - Column Welcome to my advice column! When I'm out on the town, people ask me questions about my background, which inevitably leads to more personal questions about languages. I love giving tips, and even if I don't know have the answer immediately, I CAN FIND IT! Here is a collection of thought-provoking questions people have asked me at parties, offices, and on the street. If you have your own burning question, send it to info@postcardlanguage.com and I will publish my response here. September 24, 2009 This is my best letter-to-the-editor yet. This reader is reacting directly to posts on my homepage. I will respond to each section in italics, in the style of an interview. I lol'd at the Klingon-Esperanto flick. Can I stay? Yes Also, Nāwatl is not dead, and, oh, also, is the shit. I actually got all into it 'cause I started talking to this guy who speaks Guerrero Mexicano and it seems like it's doing pretty alright... Not taking over la República Mexicana anytime soon, but not withering from attrition, either. Good Although I suppose it's only a matter of fucking time. Yes Also, Yale is the FUCKING SHIT! I use Yale Mandarin whenever possible to be an asshole, because, hey, I speak American English + it makes perfect sense to me, so fuck you. But it also makes sense to most English speaker + fuck the PRC. Unfortunately, though, I think you're wrong about Cantonese, yuhtping seems to pretty much be running shit on teh internets, in no small part due to institutional (LSHK) support. You're probably right . My area of expertise is Beijing-style Hanyu Pinyin. I know almost nothing about Cantonese or Hong Kong spelling conventions. Also, way to erase 60 years of progress by reverting to Yale Mandarin, you luddite, reactionary S.O.B. March 23, 2009 "Dear Postcard, Is there a polite way to tell a co-worker that he sounds like a complete dumbass whenever he uses the word 'irregardless'? He thinks it sounds impressive I guess, but the unnecessary syllable just irks me...hell, even Spellcheck keeps trying to correct this e-mail. Keep up the good work, I enjoy the humor and the information." -Cubicle Clown People who say 'irregardless' are 'irretarded'. According to the internet, some hillbillies in Northern Appalachia invented that word about 130 years ago. No, there is no polite way to tell your co-worker he is abusing the English language. Besides, you're not looking for polite, you want a cruel laugh at his expense. He deserves it. Once someone drops the i-bomb, we all enter the ninth circle of language hell, and there's no easy way out. Luckily, Postcard is your road to salvation, and I'm happy to lay a few options out on the table. You can... 1. Hire a private investigator to dig up some dirt on the guy, then blackmail him into silence. 2. Slip him a roofie in his coffee. Once he is unconscious, staple his tongue to his lower palate. If he wakes up and tries to say the word, he will only manage something like "Euh-ruhh-ghehhh". 3. Every time he says the word, keep a secret tally running. Make notches in your desk, on a wall-calendar, spreadsheet and graphs with powerpoint, etc. Even better if the whole office is in on it, too. Once he hits a milestone, like the 100th time saying it, throw a party at the office. Get balloons, streamers, air-horns, and a horrendous cake with "irregardless" written on it. The trauma of public humiliation will set him straight permanently. * Legal Disclaimer: By following these instructions, you agree to waive any liability on the part of Postcard, in the event that the plan backfires, the whole office thinks it's a funny game, and everyone starts saying it constantly as a joke. March 16, 2009 "Dear Postcard, I've always been shy about using the word "banal" in conversation. There doesn't seem to be any consensus about how to pronounce it. Some say it rhymes with "canal" or "panel"; others say it's more like "anal". What do you think? Should I just avoid the word altogether?" -Alonso M. This question was an absolute stumper. After scratching my head for several moments, I called on the sage wisdom of my highly-esteemed fellow linguist, M. Pericles Grimshaw. A prolific scholar of modern and ancient languages, Pericles had no trouble discerning the essence of the world "banal", and I was fortunate to have his permission in publishing his response, which follows: "That word always reminds me of an old bossa nova tune. The only times I've heard it in English, I spent the next several seconds thinking, 'Wow, did he just say that?' and 'I love bossa nova.' And, I would say ~ 'Panel' if I felt the need." Feb 14, 2009 "You've spent a lot of time in intensive language classes in other countries. I'm traveling to Costa Rica soon, and signing up for a week-long Spanish course there. What do you think?" - A. I think you should do it. You have my blessing. February 4, 2009 "Hey Postcard. Here is a question for your site: What language can I learn to sound most impressive to the opposite sex?" - C. A. Great question., C.A. . To begin with, most Americans only speak one language, so speaking any second language is impressive to another American. In many other countries, you will need to speak about four in order to really get someone's attention. Still, even for Americans, there are many ways to answer this question. Does the person you are approaching speak another language natively? If so, it is always attractive to show them you care about their culture by speaking their home language. They will be able to trust you more easily, because you've shown some cultural acceptance. In all other cases, though, I think the most impressive language to learn in 2009 is Mandarin Chinese. Mandarin is universally recognized as difficult for English speakers, so a person who has made a real attempt to learn has proven their ambition and intellect. But is it sexy? An American who has studied enough Chinese to actually speak it is probably pale from locking themselves in dimly lit rooms with character dictionaries and tone tapes. This website is for hardcore linguists and amateurs alike, and the amateurs are certainly looking for a quick fix so they have time left over to lay out and get a tan. The solution: French. French still sounds romantic and sophisticated to most Americans, even though it's easy as shit to learn. Plus, since most people only learned Spanish in school (and failed at it), French still feels new to them. Your secret weapon, is that if you open up a French magazine, you will already recognize half of the words on the page. A thousand years ago, the French invaded England and dumped lots of words into English that we still use today. Thus, you already speak a lot of it and don't even realize it. Exploit that edge. Need advice from the linguist? Email info@postcardlanguage.com today.